The quiver of the threshold
Why we fear the “YES”
Dear Woman,
Yesterday, I was on the phone with my dear friend Monica in Italy. For years, Monica was the "wild, free spirited" woman—the one who swore she would never be bound by a partner or a place. Now, she is getting married.
She is crossing a massive threshold, one she only ever imagined others crossing.
“I am scared, Vale,” she whispered. “I am so scared.”
Why? Why would she be terrified to say Yes to the man she already loves and lives with?
Whether it is a marriage or a divorce, a career leap or a deep loss, there is always fear in the "in-between."
Let’s not go around it: We fear Death.
Thresholds demand a sacrifice. We fear that by crossing, we will lose a vital part of our identity—that some essential piece of "us" will have to die. It is natural. It is inevitable. Thresholds ask us to shed our skins.
I think of Inanna, the ancient Sumerian Queen of Heaven, on her descent into the Underworld. To reach the depths of her own psyche, she had to pass through seven doors. At each door, she was stripped of an item of clothing or jewelry. By the final threshold, she was completely naked.
Life asks this of us all the time.
If you think about it, every breath is a threshold. With every exhale, we let go of the previous inhale.
Try it now.
Inhale... expansion, life rushing in... now hold it. Hold it a bit longer…and longer. Notice the discomfort? We are not meant to stay in the inhale forever. We are not meant to live in the "hold." But the "death" of the exhale doesn't last forever either. It is a cycle. As Women, we are cyclical beings, wired for the circle.
So, what did I tell Monica, standing there on the other side of the sea in Scotland?
I didn't tell her to "fix" it. I told her to bring her fear closer. To stop pushing it away and instead, hold it on her lap. I invited her to lengthen her exhale while cradling the fear..
Within seconds, she began to laugh—a deep, somatic belly laugh. Her body was doing the work for her.
When we stop negotiating with our fear and simply make space for it, the Unfurling happens naturally.
We don't need to force the door open; we just need to stop bracing against it.
With quivering trust,
Valeria
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